Not the Life he Imagined
by Preppy Princess 5103
Summary: Harm turns 40 and realizes that his life is not exactly what he hoped it would be.
1. One

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: I'm back! And with no angst this time! Well, not as much angst anyways. This is something I've wanted to write ever since I saw a rerun of "Standards of Conduct" like two years ago. But, I wrote _Clearing Her Head_, _Twenty-Six Weekends_ and _Broken Promises_ instead. But, I still want to do this. So, even though there are about a gazillion stories out there dealing with the baby deal, there is about to be one more. I hope you enjoy this and please let me know what you think.

The most important thing you guys can know here is I'm tweaking the timeline a bit. The episode was set in January. According to a website I went to for info on Harm, his birthday is in October. So let's pretend for the sake of what I want to write that the episode happened in October.

And a few VERY minor things I've done that deviate from the show. 1) Harm has a TV. Pretend Renee made him get one. 2) Text messaging & cell phone technology is what we use/have today. I know 2003 (when this story is set) doesn't seem that long ago, but lets just pretend that the technology back then is what it is now. Thanks!

**One**

"Harm. Harm!"

He looked up from his desk and into the smiling face of his partner. He shook his head clear of his last few thoughts and with a smile he gestured for her to come in. "Hey Mac, what's going on?"

"Well, besides the fact that I've been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes, not too much." She studied him carefully and ventured fully into his office. "Are you okay?"

Harm nodded. "Of course."

She didn't believe him for a second, but decided not to press him at the moment. "If you say so."

"So, is everything okay with you?"

"Yes," she said with a smile, "but it will be much better if you will let me take you out to dinner for your birthday tomorrow night." He groaned and dropped his head down onto his forearms. She frowned, hurt pooling inside of her and stood. "Well, I guess I'll take that as a 'no'."

He heard the chair scratch the floor and knew she was standing to leave. "Mac, wait." He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I would love to go out to dinner with you for my birthday. I'm just not a fan of my birthday this year. I'm going to be forty. Forty! I hate that number more than I thought it was possible to hate something so trivial."

Mac gave him a sympathetic smile and leaned towards him. One hand on the edge of the desk accepted her weight, while her other brushed over his arm. "Age is just a number, Harm. Just a couple of harmless digits. What matters is what you make of the time you have." She looked him over and her sympathetic smile turned playful. "Besides, you don't exactly look 40. You don't act 40. You look and behave like a man much, much younger."

He glared at her. "I think there was an insult somewhere in there."

She laughed and straightened herself up. "Seriously, Harm, you're doing much better than a lot of men a lot younger than you."

He looked out in the bullpen and saw Bud and Harriet standing close together and whispering over something. He thought of the life they were building together; a good marriage, a bright and happy little boy and a new baby on the way. He thought of their nice home and then thought of the empty apartment he went home to every night. "Depends on how you look at it, I guess."

Mac shook her head and headed to his door. "Everything will be okay Harm. You never know. Forty may be your best year yet."

"One can hope." He offered her a slight smile before asking what time they were going out.

"I'll pick you up at 7:00. And wear something nice." She turned and left his office, shutting the door behind her, leaving him and his thoughts alone.

* * *

Sturgis watched as Harm stood in the middle of a gymnasium near JAG and tossed a basketball repeatedly at the hoop. It went in, and once it had rolled back to him and he repeated his actions. '_Mac was right_,' he thought as he watched his friend, '_he does look down_.'

"Buddy, that is the most pathetic I've ever seen you play." He easily stole the ball from his friend and attempted to make a basket. He missed and went after the ball. "What's going on, Harm?" He held the ball out to him and crossed his arms over his chest.

Harm shrugged and half heartedly accepted the ball. He took a shot and watched as it bounced off the rim and rolled over in the direction of the bleachers. "I'm going to be forty tomorrow."

Sturgis nodded. "I know. I've been forty for a couple of months now." He smiled at his friend. "It's not that bad, I promise."

He rolled his eyes and tossed the ball at the hoop. "It's not that bad for you because you have someone. You have the life you want. I'm forty years old and I'm not living the life I originally planned. I love being a lawyer, but I don't have the career I thought I would. I don't have a wife or children. Hell, I don't even have a girlfriend. My father was married and had a child when he was half the age I am now.

"Harm, it's not as if you haven't had options." He watched his old friend for a moment before adding, "Besides, you're not alone."

"I know. I have great friends, and I really do love my career. It just hit me last week that I'm about to be forty and my life is not what I thought it would be."

Sturgis suddenly felt that this conversation would go much better with liquor and tugged on Harm's arm. "Come on. We need drinks."

* * *

A short while later they ended up at McMurphy's and found seats at a booth near the back. They placed their orders and sat there in a comfortable silence while they waited on their drinks. Once a glass of bourbon was in front of Harm, beer in front of Sturgis and a platter of nachos for them to share, Harm began to talk.

"I guess it started when I got a postcard from Renee, my most recent ex." He stirred his drink, seemingly mesmerized by the amber liquid. "She's pregnant."

Sturgis' eyes widened and he nearly choked on a chip. "Are you regretting that things didn't work out with her?"

"What? No! Absolutely not." Harm said adamantly. "It just surprised me, is all." He took a long drink and then sighed. "Things then got even weirder, thanks to Mac."

It was a hefty internal battle for Sturgis not to roll his eyes. Where his two friends were concerned, _everything_ was weird.

"She had some toys in her office for AJ." He continued. "Apparently she was at some toy store and they were having a big sale so she went ahead and bought him something for his birthday as well as Christmas. She was on the phone, so I guess she wasn't really listening to me and she commented that AJ would be five this year.

"He's turning four, isn't he?" Sturgis asked.

"Yeah, he'll be four on May 18th. But mentioning him turning five is more or less what started my inner turmoil. His fifth birthday is an important date for the two of us."

Sturgis was more than a little confused as to how the fifth birthday for Bud and Harriet's son could be an important date for his friends, but he also wasn't exactly sure he wanted to know. "How is his fifth birthday important for the two of you?"

"Because the day AJ was born, we stood on the steps of JAG and decided that if we were both single in five years that we would have a baby together."

The beer that Sturgis had just sipped spewed all over the table, barely missing Harm's drink and the platter of nachos. "I'm sorry. Did you just say that you and Mac made plans to have a baby together?"

"Yeah, why?"

Sturgis stared at him as if he had just suddenly declared that he was resigning his commission to become a short order cook at the diner they often went to. "Oh, no reason," he said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Harm, ever since I came here you have vehemently denied anything between the two of you besides friendship and yet you guys made plans to have a baby together. That is not something that most purely platonic friends do."

"Will and Grace did," Harm retorted.

"Okay, the fact that you know who Will & Grace are disturbs me."

"Renee used to watch the show all the time," he muttered.

"Fine. Whatever. It is not something that most purely platonic heterosexual friends do."

Harm glared at him and crossed his arms over his chest. "The point is that when Mac said that AJ would be five this year, everything I don't like about my life just sort of sucker punched me. And then to make matters worse, every woman I saw looked pregnant to me. Mac included."

"You do realize that men do not have biological clocks, don't you? There are a whole lot of seventy year old men out there with young children."

He glared at his friend again and this time pushed his drink aside. "Of course I do. I just… I don't know why I'm even discussing this with you. This is the kind of thing I would talk to Mac about. She is actually helpful when someone is having a problem."

"You cannot talk to Mac about this."

Harm studied him curiously. "And why shouldn't I talk to my best friend about this?"

'_Because she wants to be more than your best friend_,' he said to himself. He thought back to the conversation they had almost a year ago. It would be one thing if Harm went to Mac about how he wanted a family, if he wanted it with her. But if he just went to her to bitch and moan about how he was going to die as a boring lawyer instead of a pilot, alone and childless, well that would devastate her. He was sure if Harm wanted to move up the timeline to their arrangement that Mac would be more than willing, but he couldn't take that risk. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that this whole situation had the potential to be devastating to their fragile relationship. What if they had a child together, but remained too scared to admit their feelings? What would happen to their child then? Would he or she be doomed to a life of awkwardness between his or her parents? If they wanted to have a child together, why couldn't they just admit their feelings and have a kid the old fashioned way?

* * *

A few hours later Harm stumbled into his dark apartment and cursed as he stubbed his toe on an end table. He dropped his keys on the end table and managed the normally short walk to his bedroom without any further incident. He kicked off his shoes and collapsed fully dressed onto the bed. He lay there in silence for a bit until his watched beeped, signaling that it was now midnight. October 25.

"Happy birthday to me," he said out loud.

He lay still in the dark room for nearly an hour before deciding he could take no more of the dark room and the utter silence. Carefully, he crawled out of bed and made his way back to the living room. He switched on the TV and flipped through the channels, finally ending on a rerun of Frasier. Losing himself in the insanity of Dr. Frasier Crane helped him relax. At least until the first episode ended and the next one began. It was one he had seen before and he groaned into the pillow. The episode was about a younger acquaintance of Frasier's who died suddenly, despite being in excellent physical health and following a strict diet. Harm hated the fact that he was watching a comedy and identifying with the dead character, as well as the neurotic shrink. Here he was, in fantastic physical shape, he was a vegetarian, he was relatively young and healthy. And now he was probably going to die of a heart attack, unmarried and childless.

If he was being honest with himself, he didn't know when having a family of his own suddenly became so important to him. He had always wanted a family someday, but since being reminded of how quickly the deadline for his and Mac's arrangement was approaching, family had taken center stage on his mind. By the time the second episode of the show was over, he was finally feeling tired enough to attempt sleep.

Once back in his room he noticed the light on the face of his cell phone was blinking and he picked it up. It was a new text message from Mac. With a sigh, he pressed the proper button and read the message.

_'Harm, I just wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday. I'll pick you up tomorrow 7.'_

**End Part One**

Let me know what you think!


	2. Two

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: You guys!!! Thank you so much for the reviews! They were much more pleasant to read than the reviews for the first part of Broken Promises, LOL. I'm so glad you guys are enjoying this so far and I hope you like this part as well.

**Two**

"Son, what the hell are you doing?"

Harm looked up and gave his commanding officer a half hearted smile. "Good afternoon, sir."

"Harm, it's a Saturday. And if I remember correctly, it's your birthday. So why are you sitting on the floor in the middle of your office going through files?

He shrugged and turned his attention back to the files in front of him. "Well, my apartment is spotless, the Lexus and the 'vette have both been washed and I've had two workouts. I needed something to do."

AJ made his way further into the office and sidestepped the piles Harm was accumulating on the floor. "So what's going on, Harm?"

"Nothing, sir. Just birthday blues I suppose. I'm officially forty years old."

The Admiral rolled his eyes and sat down in Harm's chair. "I've been forty for quite a while. Trust me; it's not the end of the world."

"Sir, no offense, but when you were my age you already had been married and had a child. You had accomplished so much, both personally and professionally."

"Yes, I had a child. I had a teenage daughter who I rarely ever saw." AJ watched as Harm nodded and continued sorting papers on the floor. He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Commander, get a grip."

"Sir?"

He stooped down and squatted on the floor in front of him. "You are still young enough to make certain changes in your life, if that's what you wish. Stop wallowing in self pity and do something. If you want to change careers again, then do so. If you want to get married, put on your whites and stand on a street corner or head to a mall. I don't care, just do something and stop being miserable."

Harm watched, with an open mouth and wide eyes as the Admiral stood and walked out of the office.

* * *

Harm spent the rest of the afternoon organizing his already neat office, before going home to get ready for his birthday dinner with Mac. The thought of spending the evening at a nice dinner with his best friend was enough to brighten his mood a little bit. She had told him to dress nicely, so he pulled a gray suit and crisp black shirt out of his closet. He dressed after a quick shower and a careful shave and then relaxed on the sofa while waiting for her to arrive. The Admirals words from earlier kept repeating in his head.

'If _you want to change careers again, then do so. If you want to get married, put on your whites and stand on a street corner or head to a mall. I don't care, just do something and stop being miserable_.'

He was right. He could do something to change his life besides sitting around whining about the state of things. He had no desire to change his career, not again. Being a lawyer may not be as exciting as being a fighter pilot, but he enjoyed the work. And it was not as if he never got to step foot into a plane. Other than just flying, he saw action that he never saw as a pilot. He had a CO that he admired and respected, he had good friends and while most of the time he was not physically helping people, the work he did made a difference. It was his personal life that needed changing.

He thought back to his relationships throughout his adult life. Despite his reputation for being a bit of a 'ladies' man', he had not been with that many women. Just a few flings and only four or five serious relationships. Thinking back, the only of his girlfriends he could actually picture being married to was Diane. And he wasn't even completely sure how feasible that was. In his head he knew that he probably romanticized their relationship, due to her tragic death. But, the fact remains that he could have never married any of the other women. Mac was right about Annie; she was completely neurotic and terrified of the life he was leading. Jordan was the same. She loved him for who she wanted him to be, and not all of him. She couldn't deal with the flight aspect of his life. Renee was another story all together. She loved him and accepted him for who he was. She didn't like the fact that his career took him out of the country so much, but she dealt with it. But while she accepted him and they had fun together, he could never picture a future with her, because part of him never felt like he was enough for her. She was always wanting more... more of his time, more of a commitment, just more.

His longest and most complete relationship was his relationship with Mac. He wasn't clueless, he knew that she was the only woman that could ever really be his equal. She was strong and self sufficient, she was highly intelligent, she was not intimidated by him. She understood him and had stood by his side during the most trying experiences of his life. And not to mention she was stunningly beautiful and he had never been as attracted to anyone as he was to her.

So while he knew that she completed him, their relationship also terrified him. He was terrified of hurting her, or doing something that would drive her away. He had made that dumbass comment the previous year about every man ever involved with her was either dead or wished he was, but the same could be said of the women he had been involved with. Women wanted him until they got him, then they ran away practically screaming. He couldn't bear the thought of driving her away. So where did that leave him? He was too scared to pursue anything more than friendship with his amazing best friend, but he didn't see himself having a family with anyone but her.

* * *

Mac fiddled with the buttons on her coat and waited for Harm to answer the door. After a moment he pulled it open with a flourish and smiled brightly.

"Hey."

She flashed him her own radiant smile and walked into the apartment. "Hey yourself. You seem like you're in much better mood."

He nodded, "I am." He shut the door behind her and turned towards her. "I've done a lot of thinking the past day about being forty and the status of my life, and I've come to a few decisions."

She raised an eyebrow and nodded. "Anything you wish to share with the court, Commander?"

Harm shook his head. "Maybe over dinner."

"Okay." She gestured to the door and smiled. "We should go. Reservations and all."

"Right." He followed her into the hallway and then shut and locked the door. "Lead the way."

* * *

"Mac, this place is really expensive."

She rolled her eyes and got out of the car. Smiling at the valet, she handed him her car keys and walked over to Harm. "You've taken me out for my fair share of expensive dinners. Besides, how many times does my best friend turn forty?"

He shrugged, "That depends on how many best friends you have." He grinned at her laughter and they walked into Charlie Palmer's. They specialized in steaks, but they had amazing seafood dishes that Harm loved, not to mention the spectacular view of Capitol Hill. Mac spoke to the maître d and then went over to the coat check. He hurried to assist her with the knee length black coat she wore and stifled a groan when he slid the coat off of her shoulders. She wore an emerald green dress, which was almost completely backless and ended just above her knees. Between the low back and the short hem, all he could see was generous amounts of bronzed, toned skin. She turned to take the coat from him, and this time he couldn't stifle the groan. The dress was cut low in the front, revealing generous amounts of cleavage. It was pleated at the bust, drawing even more attention to the area. "Are you trying to kill me?"

She laughed and shrugged. "Maybe," she said, a flirtatious lilt in her voice. "Are you going to give the nice lady your coat or are you going to stare at me all night?"

"That's a stupid question, Mac."

She blushed under his gaze and broke eye contact. "Give her your coat, Harm, so we can have dinner."

Pleased that he was able to regain his footing and unnerve her, he took off his coat after handing it to the attendant he followed her to the table.

"In all seriousness Mac, you look beautiful."

She smiled again and sat in the chair that was being pulled out for her. Harm thanked the maître d and took his own seat. She watched him unfold his napkin and smiled. "And you don't look like a forty year old man."

He flashed her his famous grin and picked up the menu. The waitress chose that moment to come by the table and take their drink orders. Harm chose wine instead of bourbon or beer and Mac took her usual tonic water and they began to peruse the menu. "So which of these dead cow carcasses are you going to be indulging in tonight?"

She rolled her eyes and continued to scan the menu. "I'm thinking the 11oz filet, asparagus with Dijon butter and the twice baked truffle potatoes." She smiled as he winced. "What about you?"

"The shrimp with the citrus risotto." He closed the menu and smiled at her. "Thanks for this, Mac."

"You're welcome." She started to say more, but the waitress came by again with their drinks and then took their orders. The waitress wrote their orders down, and beamed at Harm as she collected their menus. She let her fingers brush his, and then sauntered away. Mac rolled her eyes again and looked expectantly at Harm.

He noticed her reaction and shook his head. "Mac, with you sitting across from me looking like that, I'm not paying attention to other women." He smiled as she blushed and took a sip of his drink. He glanced around the restaurant and then back at his best friend. "Thanks again, Mac. This is a great birthday gift."

"Who said that dinner was your gift?"

"Oh Really…"

She rolled her eyes. "THAT is not your gift."

"Damn." He smiled at her and took another drink. "You know if you keep rolling your eyes at me they're going to get stuck in your head."

"Well, I was just thinking that it's so cliché for middle aged man to suddenly start acting like a teenage boy."

"I am not."

"Yes you are," she said, emphasizing her words with a nod. "You've been ogling me and flirting with me all night."

"Well, look in a mirror, Mac. Any man would be blind not to be attracted to you. And I've been flirting with you for years."

"I know." She picked up her glass and stared at the liquid sloshing around inside. "But it feels a little different when we're dressed up and out at a nice dinner alone."

* * *

Their food came out shortly afterwards and they were silent for a bit while they dug into their dinners. After a dent had been made and Mac had coerced Harm into tasting a bit of her steak, she brought up what had been bothering him the past couple of days.

"So what's been on your mind, Harm?"

"Just thinking about life. And how is hasn't exactly turned out like I planned."

She put down her fork and studied him. "And how is life so different than how you thought it would be?"

"I'm not a pilot."

She shook her head. "You are a pilot Harm. It may not be your day job anymore, but you are still a pilot."

"I know. But you asked how my life is different than how I thought it would be, and that's the primary reason. I thought I'd be a CAG one day. Now my career ambition is to be the Judge Advocate General. Those are vastly different."

"What else?"

"I still live like a bachelor. I'm not married, I don't have children."

"Renee would have married you in a heartbeat."

He fixed her with a hard look. "I didn't love Renee enough to marry her, and you know that."

She blushed under his gaze and stared down at her half eaten meal. "Harm…" The look currently on his face was akin to the one he wore on the Admiral's porch that May evening almost a year and a half ago.

"Mac, nearly every woman I've ever been with has wanted some form of commitment from me. And I figured out today that you're the only woman I've ever been able to commit to. I know we're just friends, but I've invested more in our friendship than I have in any other relationship I've ever had. I've opened myself up more with you than I ever have anyone else."

"You never cease to amaze me, Harm." She stabbed at a piece of steak and then looked back up at him. "You tell me I'm the only one you can open up with, and yet I'm also the only one you couldn't let go with."

He swore that damned night in Austraila was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. "You were the only one I knew I couldn't ever lose. The night of your engagement party, when I thought I would lose you… Mac, I've never been more afraid in my life."

"Are you two both doing okay? May I get you anything else?"

They turned their gazes from one another and onto the blonde waitress. She looked at her two patrons and was suddenly aware of the tension surrounding them.

"I'm fine." Harm said softly. "Mac, did you want anything else."

"Just the check please."

She handed them the check and walked away quickly. Mac pulled out a credit card out of her bag and placed it in the leather portfolio. The tension hadn't dissipated with the waitress's departure and they sat in an awkward silence while waiting for her return.

Once she had picked up the check, and returned the card they retrieved their coats and headed out to her car. Once they were inside and on their way back to his apartment he tried to strike up light conversation. "I'm shocked you didn't want any desert."

She turned her head slightly to look at him and then returned her attention to the road. "I'm sure you have some kind of ice cream at your place."

"Maybe some tofutti."

She blanched and they continued the short drive to his apartment in more or less silence. When they pulled into the lot of his complex, she surprised him by turning off the car and following him upstairs. "Mac, I wasn't kidding about the tofutti." He didn't want her to leave, but he didn't know if he could stand much more of the awkwardness of the past fifteen minutes either. He hated the fact that they would have an important moment, then something would interrupt them and they could never seem to pick back up. And who knew when they might get another moment.

She smiled and shrugged, "What the hell, it won't kill me to try something new."

Once at his door, he put the key in and turned the knob, getting the surprise of his life when he opened the door.

"SURPRISE!"

**End Part Two…**

Poor Mac and Harm… I've been having a JAG marathon all weekend and I'm just so… UGH at the way DB treated these two fascinating characters. Which is why I updated this so quickly (well, quickly for me anyways). He messes them up, I like to fix them in my own little way. I hope you guys enjoyed this, and feedback is, as always, very much appreciated.


	3. Three

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: Thanks again for the reviews! I appreciate them so much and I'm glad you guys are enjoying this. Sorry this part took so long. I was going to finish it and post it Sunday, but I got distracted by the Oscars (all hail Queen Kate!!!) and then Monday wasn't letting me log in, and tonight I got home from work at 6:00 and was passed out by 6:30. I live such an exciting life. Anyhoo. Hope you enjoy this!

**Three**

Harm's mouth was open and his eyes wide as he took in the crowd of people in his living room. He looked to his side at his beaming partner and shook his head. "I should have never known you would willingly try tofutti."

She laughed and gestured at the large cake over on the bar. "Why would I want tofutti when there is a delicious looking cake on the other side of the room?" She squeezed his arm and walked further into the apartment. Harm shut the door and followed her in.

He was approached by Sturgis and Bobbie, but kept his eyes on his partner. She was being hugged by Harriet and then picked up their godson. "I'm guessing this was her idea." He said, gesturing to Mac.

Sturgis nodded, "Of course it was. Bud, Harriet, Bobbie and I got things set up here while you were out at dinner, but this is all courtesy of Mac."

"Well thank you both. I appreciate it."

"You still depressed about turning forty?"

His eyes once again fell on his partner, still glowing in that spectacular dress. "Not nearly as depressed as I was yesterday."

"Yeah, I would find it pretty hard to be depressed when you're out to dinner with a woman who looks like that." Bobbie said, tilting her head in Mac's direction.

Harm rolled his eyes. "Not to mention the fantastic dinner that I just had with my best friend."

"Did you guys talk?" Sturgis asked.

"We started to," Harm said, "but the waitress we had interrupted us at a pivotal moment. When we got here she wanted to come up for ice cream. I hoped we'd be able to pick up our conversation, but I walk in and all of you were standing here."

"Sorry to cramp your style."

"I'm glad you're here. It means a lot. Mac and I can talk later."

Sturgis raised an eyebrow and studied his friend for a minute. "You two are going to talk? Really talk."

He nodded. "Yes. I can't keep hiding from her and from everything that I feel for her."

* * *

"Did you two have a nice dinner?" Harriet asked.

Mac nodded and placed a squirming AJ back on the floor. She watched as he ran over to Harm and then turned her attention back to Harriet. "Dinner was great. Of course, we got interrupted right when we were about to have one of our very rare Hallmark moments."

"What happened?"

She shook her head as she thought about the damned waitress who interrupted them. What she wouldn't give for a few minutes alone with her… "He was telling me how I was the only thing he couldn't stand to lose and then the idiot waitress comes up and asks if we needed anything. It completely ruined our moment. Things were so awkward for the rest of dinner and the ride home that I had to convince him I wanted that I wanted to try soy ice cream to get him to invite me up."

Harriet laughed and shook her head. "Soy products aren't all bad. Vanilla soymilk tastes a lot like skim milk."

"Harriet! Not you too." She turned to the table and poured herself a glass of tonic water and plopped a slide of lime in it. She sipped her drink and turned back to her friend. "I almost was tempted to blow off the party and take him back to my place so we could continue our talk."

"I would have killed you. Have you ever tried to set up for a party with Commander Turner and Bud?" Both women laughed and Mac looked around the room. All of Harm's closest friends, his closest local friends anyways, had gathered to celebrate her favorite Naval officer's fortieth birthday and the apartment looked great. Harriet had set up the food on the bar and set up a second table as the bar. Apparently she had been taking lessons from Food Network on setting up tables for a party. The table was covered with a crisp white table cloth. The footed glasses were artfully arranged and bottles of wine, other liquor, as well as water were lined up neatly with ice buckets and cocktail napkins next to the centerpiece of white roses.

"Well, despite working with the two of them, this place looks wonderful." She gave her friend a grateful smile and she looked at her partner. "Hey Harm! Come cut the cake!"

He rolled his eyes and excused himself from Sturgis and Bobbie. Once he was by her side, he accepted the knife that Harriet handed him. He looked at the people gathered in the room and smiled. "Thank you all for coming. Most of you know I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of turning forty, but now that I'm here it doesn't look like it's going to be too bad." No one missed the look he gave Mac as he said that. "Now, I'm going to cut this cake before my partner uses this knife on me." She rolled her eyes and everyone else laughed as he cut off a generous piece of cake. He put it on a plate and handed it to her. "This should tide you over for a while, Mac."

She glared at him briefly before grabbing a fork and digging into the cake. The two of them stepped out of the way so that everyone else could help themselves to cake and she watched amused as he grabbed an extra fork and took a bite of her piece. "Get your own piece."

"Mac, this is more than enough for the two of us." He looked her over again and smiled. "Besides, if you eat that whole thing it might change how good you look in that dress."

"Do I need to go steal something of yours to put on so you'll stop making comments on the dress?"

"You've worn my clothes before, Mac. I wouldn't mind that all that much either."

She smacked him in the chest with her free hand and then took another bite of cake. "So were you surprised?"

"Yes, you could definitely say that." He took another piece of cake with his fork, and twirled it around listlessly. "I hear this was all your idea."

"It was."

He leaned over and placed a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you."

* * *

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Sturgis looked at Harriet and smiled. "Just watching them." He nodded at Harm and Mac who were in the middle of a conversation with Clayton Webb and the woman he had brought with him. "Do you ever notice how much he touches her?"

She nodded. "Even at the office. He's discrete about it, but he always puts his hand on the small of her back when they're leaving a room or heading into a room."

"Look at them now." He said. "When Webb approached them, Mac talked for a minute, but when she turned to leave he grasped her wrist and pulled her close. They're just so damned right for one another."

"They're a match in every way. They just fit together. They look right together."

Sturgis realized he could be breaking Harm's confidence, but Harm wasn't the only one who needed to talk to someone. "Harriet, I need to tell you something Harm confided in me yesterday. I hate even asking this, but could you not say anything to anyone, not even Bud? Harm didn't tell me not to say anything to anyone, but I doubt he wants his business all over JAG HQ."

"Sir, you can trust me."

"Yesterday Harm told me that on the day your son was born he and Mac made a deal to have a baby together in five years."

Harriet's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. "Are you serious?"

He nodded and glanced back over at the pair of them. "Yes. And now that Harm is going through his midlife crisis, he's thinking about how he wants a family and tonight he told me that they're finally going to talk and that he can't keep hiding from everything he feels for her."

She stood there silent for a moment. She watched her sleepy son and his father with a smile and then glanced at her friends before turning her attention back to Sturgis. "AJ still has a year before he'll be five. Does Harm want to push up the time table, or does he want an actual relationship from Mac?" Sturgis shrugged and she sighed. "Those two will be brilliant together, but having a baby because of a deal is a really bad idea."

"I agree. I was stunned when he told me. Never mind the emotional complications, but career wise it'll be a disaster for Mac."

"Depends on how they conceive, I suppose. If they go the IVF route, rather than her just going out and getting pregnant it might turn out better." She shook her head and groaned. "This is ridiculous. I don't understand how two people as smart as those two can get themselves in such insane situations."

* * *

"Excuse me, ma'am..."

Mac turned and smiled at Bud. "Hey Bud."

"I hate to do this, but I think Harriet and I need to leave." He gestured down at the sleepy little boy attached to his leg. "AJ is almost out."

She knelt down to the little boys level and brushed his hair off his forehead. "Are you sleepy, honey?" She smiled as he nodded and stood back up. "You guys did so much work on this, I'd hate for you to have to leave. Why don't I take him and let him sleep in Harm's room until you guys are ready?"

"The Commander-" he stopped at the look on Mac's face and grinned, "Harm won't mind?"

Mac shook her head. "Not at all." She waited for Bud to pick him up and she led them into the bedroom. Once AJ was settled on the bed she pulled a blanket off of a chair and covered him with it. AJ was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow and they smiled and headed back to the party. "He's such a great kid, Bud."

Bud smiled, pride evident all over his face. "He and Harriet are everything to me. I never would have made it through this last year without them."

"Is he excited about the baby?"

"We uh- we haven't told him yet."

"Why not?"

Bud sighed and glanced at his wife. "He didn't really understand what happened with Sarah. He knew there was a baby and then one day the baby was gone. He's older now, he might have questions and I'm just not ready to answer them."

"That's understandable. This has to be bittersweet for you guys."

"You have no idea. We both want a big family, but having another baby is terrifying. I know what happened to Sarah probably won't happen again, but…"

"But the thought of setting yourself to go through it again is scary."

"Yeah." He focused on Harriet and smiled as she shared a laugh with the Admiral. Wanting to change the subject, he glanced back at Mac and smiled. "Think you'll ever have kids?"

"I hope so, Bud. I really hope so."

* * *

A couple of hours later the last guest had left and Harm and Mac were left alone in his apartment. He shut the door behind Sturgis and turned to see her picking up a stack of plates.

"Don't even think about cleaning up, Mac. You've done way too much as it is."

She shook her head. "Harm, this place is a wreck. I'm not leaving it for you to clean by yourself." She gestured to the glasses and smiled. "Grab some of those and make yourself useful." She made her way to the kitchen and began loading the dishwasher.

He did as he was told and was soon standing next to her by the sink. He emptied the contents of the glasses and left them in the sink and went to pick up more of them. While he carefully loaded his arms with the glasses he looked over at Mac and smiled. She still looked as beautiful as she had at the beginning of the evening and the domesticity of this moment filled him with warmth. He dropped the glasses off in the sink and glanced around the room. He appeared to have gotten them all in his two trips and began loading them in the dishwasher. "Mac, I know I've already said this several times tonight, but thanks for everything." He suddenly felt lightheaded and tried to tell himself that it was a result of the alcohol in his system, not the her proximity and the radiant smile she gave him.

"You're very welcome, Harm." They stood there for a moment, before the awareness of all that remained unsaid between them turned the moment awkward and she was the first to glance away. She began loading silverware and didn't look back up till he had moved back to the living room with a trash bag in hand. She watched as he gathered up napkins and the wrapping paper remaining from his gifts and sighed softly, cursing herself inwardly for being such a coward. He was no longer the one running and hiding from what was between them.

They worked in silence for a little while until the apartment was close to it's normal level of cleanliness. Satisfied with their work, Mac hesitantly picked up her coat and bag. Even though he hated seeing her leave, the officer and gentleman in him took over and Harm hurried to help her with her coat. He took the heavy black garment from her and held it out for her to slip her arms in to. Once she had done so, he placed his hands on her shoulders and then ran his hands down her arms.

"I guess I'll see you Monday at the office."

She bit her lower lip and summoned up her courage. "We need to finish our conversation."

He smiled and nodded. "Yes we do. Want to have dinner tomorrow night? I'll cook."

"That sounds nice."

"Goodnight, Mac." Feeling brave, he tilted his head to kiss her cheek, only to find she had moved her head at the same moment so his lips brushed hers. The movement was quick and the kiss was so soft that neither of them would have been one hundred percent sure it had even happened if their lips weren't on fire from the touch.

She blushed and opened the door. "Goodnight, Harm." She smiled at him softly before closing the door behind her.

**End Part 3**

Let me know what you think! Just an FYI, the next part won't be out till at least Sunday. My best friend is getting married in April and I'm having her bridal shower on Saturday, so that'll keep me pretty busy for the rest of the week.


	4. Four

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: Thanks again for the reviews! I appreciate them so much and I'm glad you guys are enjoying this. I wanted to have this up yesterday, but I got distracted by a massive 40 part Harry Potter fic and yeah… I swear that story was longer than the first few books, lol. Anyhoo, Hope you all like this!

**Four**

Mac was slowly going insane. She had a slight idea of what Harm had been thinking about, and even though she knew the conversation needed to be had, she was not thrilled about having it. Harm had called her around noon to finalize plans for that evening. He was going to make seared salmon and asked her to come over around 7:00. Now she was simply going crazy waiting for 7:00 to get here. Part of her was tempted to head over to his apartment now and demand that they have their conversation. The smarter, bigger part of her knew that if pushed or rushed he would back away quicker than she could say biological clock.

Her biological clock… that was basically what this came down to. If she hadn't been feeling so weepy on the steps of JAG three and a half years ago, they probably wouldn't be in this predicament now. Truth of the matter was that she desperately wanted nothing more than to have a baby with Harm. She was in love with him, and had been for longer than she cared to admit. But while she wanted a baby, more specifically Harm's baby, the two of them as well as any child that they created deserved a hell of a lot more than the situation they were currently in. Call her overly romantic and sentimental, but when she became a mother, she wanted the father of the child to love her as much as she loved him. And she wasn't sure how Harm felt about her exactly. She had no clue if she was just a convenient means to make him a father, or if he actually wanted to build a life with her.

Knowing she would go crazy if she continued to sit around her apartment she dug her cell phone out from under the pile of magazines on the counter and dialed a friend of hers.

"Sarah!"

She smiled at Nina's enthusiasm and collapsed on the couch. "I'm about to lose my mind. Can you talk?"

"I can, but I'd much rather see you. Come to the shop. You should come see me. I'll let you raid all the freebies that these up and coming designers keep sending me. And we can go have lunch."

"Fine," she said with an exaggerated sigh, "you've talked me into it. I'll meet you at the shop in about an hour." She hung up the phone and threw it on the couch and went to her room to change clothes. Growing up, she never thought she'd be friends with someone like Nina Caldwell. She was wealthy, fashionable and owned an upscale boutique in DC. She was also incredibly smart and had gotten her MBA at Duke while she was there at law school. They became casual friends, but when Nina had opened up her shop in DC a little over a year ago, they had reconnected and formed a strong friendship.

* * *

Nina looked up as the bell over her door jingled and lit up when her friend. "Sarah!" She hurried over to embrace her friend and then studied her with a critical eye. "You don't look so good. What's wrong?"

"Gee thanks, Nina. Just what I needed to hear."

She rolled her eyes and tugged on her arm. "You don't look bad, just tired. Come on; let's go play dress up and you can tell me all about it." She looked at her sales associate and told her to keep an eye on things and to call her if she was needed. Once in her office, she opened a closet and pulled out a couple of items, among them a midnight blue cashmere sweater dress and a pair of dark jeans so lightweight she could barely tell they were denim. "Try on the dress. I'll turn around. And start talking."

After over a year of this, Mac knew better than to argue with her friend. She supposed there was a little truth in old sayings about redheads. She shrugged out of her top and shimmied out of her jeans and started to pull the dress over her head. "It's about Harm."

"No offense, Sarah, but what else is new?"

"Ok, this dress is incredible."

Nina turned and smiled. "I knew it would look perfect on you." She watched Mac admire the dress in the mirror and asked what Harm had done this time.

She sat down in the desk chair and nibbled on her lower lip. "Did I ever tell you that we made a deal to have a baby together if we were still single in five years?" She watched as Nina's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "I'm guessing I never told you about that?"

"No, you definitely have not told me about that. Oh my gosh. Sarah! When was this?"

"Three and a half years ago."

"Ok, so why is this upsetting you now? And try on the pants." She reached over and tugged an amethyst colored top off of a hanger. "Try this on with them."

Mac waited for her to turn again before changing clothes. "Harm turned forty yesterday and I took him out to dinner for his birthday. The whole evening felt different. He was looking at me like… well, like a man looks at a woman he's interested in. He flirted with me for a lot of the evening. You can turn around now."

Nina did and smiled. "Lovely. That color is gorgeous on you. So then what?"

"Well, we started talking about how his life hasn't turned out the way he wanted. He has no future as a pilot and he doesn't have a family of his own."

"Ah. Which brings you to the deal the two of you made?"

She nodded and sat back down. "There was something in the air between us last night. Unfortunately we didn't get to talk about it. We got interrupted by the waitress at dinner and we went back to his place afterwards-" Mac rolled her eyes as Nina raised her eyebrows and smirked, "where I had planned a surprise party for him. So we didn't get to talk. But I told him we needed to, so I'm going over to his place for dinner tonight."

"Sarah, you're in love with this man. What has you so off kilter?"

She shot up and began to pace. "We made the baby deal three and a half years ago. And we haven't talked about it since. The way Harm acted last night, well, he's acted that way before. He acted that way at my engagement party to Mic. He acted that way on the Guadalcanal. But we always keep ourselves from taking things any further. What if that's how it's going to be this time? What if he doesn't want me as a woman, instead just as the mother of his child?"

"Would being the mother of his child be so horrible?"

She nodded. "It would be if that were all it was. What would I do when he eventually met someone else? I'd not only have to deal with seeing Harm with yet another woman who was incredibly wrong for him, but I'd have to deal with another woman taking care of our child. I couldn't do it. Not to mention the ramifications of being an unwed mother would have on my career."

Nina rolled her eyes again. "I swear, the military and its sense of propriety."

Mac closed her eyes briefly to hold her temper in check. Nina was quite vocal in her disdain of how much military regulations controlled her life. "I knew this when I became an officer, Nina. I willingly gave up parts of myself to serve a greater purpose and I would do it again. And the truth of the matter is, that having a baby and not having a husband would pretty much extinguish any chance I would have of advancing further."

"We're always going to disagree on that."

She smiled softly, "I know."

"Come on. Let's go get lunch." She handed Mac a shopping bag for her clothes and grabbed the dress.

"Nina, I can't accept this."

"Yes you can. The top was too big for me, and the jeans are not my style. And the blue of this dress looks horrible with my skin tone, but perfect on you. Now we just need to get you some shoes." They walked back into the public part of the store, where Mac headed for the shoes and Nina got a garment bag for the dress. She waited for her to come over, and beamed when she came with a pair of gray velour Stella McCartney pumps. She rang them up, giving them to her at cost and then letting her slip them on before leaving the store.

* * *

A few hours later, a nervous Harm was pacing, waiting for Mac to arrive. The oven beeped that it was one minute till the salmon was done, which meant it was one minute till 7:00. He knew she would be right on time, and smiled softly when he heard a gentle tap on the door a few seconds later. He opened it and took a deep breath as he looked her over. "You look gorgeous."

She smiled and thanked him. "I spent the day with Nina, who I swear thinks I'm her own, personal Barbie doll."

"Barbie was blonde." He said with a smirk.

"Fine, I'm Barbie's dark haired friend. Did she even have one?"

He shrugged and smiled. "Barbie is the extent of my doll knowledge. Come on in." He took a few stops back and let her in. "I'm going to go get dinner out of the oven. Make yourself at home."

She took her coat off and hung it by the door before glancing around the apartment. The lights had been dimmed and it looked very much like it did the night they had dinner before going to the tribunal. "Is there anything I can help with?"

"Sure; you want to get us some drinks?"

She went into the kitchen and pulled a pitcher of tea off of the top shelf. She carried it to the table and filled both goblets and then sat the pitcher on the counter. "It looks great in here, Harm."

He smiled at her and carried over two plates of food. He sat a plate at each seat and then pulled out her chair for her. The next few minutes were spent in relative silence as they enjoyed their dinners, but Mac was at her wits end and finally brought up the reason they were having dinner together. "So what's going on, Harm?"

"You're the one who said we needed to finish our conversation. You tell me."

"Oh, so you don't think we need to talk?"

He could tell she was getting riled up and reached over and covered her hand with his. "Relax, Mac. We do need to talk, which was why I was thisclose to strangling the waitress last night."

She grinned and sipped her tea. "Well, if you had I know a pretty good lawyer. She probably could have gotten you out of trouble."

His smile wasn't as jovial as hers and the look in his eye was deadly serious. "She's very good at getting me out of trouble."

"If she hadn't interrupted us, what else would you have said last night?"

"I want a family, Mac. And I'd like to have that family with you?"

* * *

She had known he would say it. She was expecting it. But actually hearing the words coming out of his mouth made this whole situation seem unreal. She gently sat her fork down and looked up at him. "Do you want a family with me, or do you want us to have a baby together?"

Confusion spread over his handsome features. "Isn't it pretty much the same thing?"

"No." She picked up the fork and moved the remaining salmon around the plate. "Harm, a family is us and our child living in the same home. Taking family vacations together. Spending snowy nights curled up by a fireplace. Us having a baby together is just that. Us creating a child, complete with custody agreements and eventually the possibility of a step-parent or two. Which of those do you want?"

"I don't know." He said quietly.

She fought the tears back and nodded. "What about what you said at dinner last night? About me being the only one you were afraid to lose."

"I meant that, Mac." He said, his tone gentle. "I could not stand not having you in my life."

"But you only want me in your life as a friend?"

"Friendship is permanent, Mac. It's forever. Relationships are messy. What if we gave it a go and it didn't work out? We'd lose what we have now. What's so wrong with what we have now?"

She shook her head. "Nothing. And you know why? Because we're both single right now. You're happy because you do not have to fight another man for my attention, and I'm happy not having to see another insipid blonde draped all over you. But what happens when that changes? What happens when one or both of us meet someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with? I can pretty much guarantee we will no longer have the relationship we have now. What changed since last night? Last night you seemed sort of open to the idea of us."

He stood up and began pacing again, feeling stupidly that if this kept up he'd wear a hole in the floor. "I'm terrified, Mac. I feel for you what I've never felt for anyone."

She stood and walked over to him, stilling his movements with her hand on his arm. "I'd never leave, Harm. Ever. There is very little you could do to make me turn my back on you."

"Logically I know that. But emotionally I can't believe it."

"So why do you want to go through with having a baby then?"

He cupped her face in his palm and smiled. "I'd be assured that you would always be in my life."

Tears finally filled her eyes and she backed away. "I'm sorry, but that's not enough for me. I need more than that. And after seven years of waiting for you I deserve more than that. You need to get over your fear. You have to let go, Harm."

"I know, but what if I can't?"

"Then all we'll ever have between us is a friendship." Knowing she couldn't stand one more minute in his presence, she walked away from him, grabbed her purse and her jacket and left the apartment.

**End Part Four**

Do. Not. Kill. Me. I have a lotttt of issues with the baby deal, which I've kind of talked about with some of you. I also have issues with the idea of Mac and Harm sitting down for a conversation. When they actually make plans to talk about their feelings, things don't go well (Adrift II, anyone?). I can see both of them over analyzing everything to death and making a big mess of things. They work much better with spontaneity. Anyways. Hope you guys enjoyed this, and the next part should be up in a couple of days. Tuesday or Wednesday, I'm guessing.


	5. Five

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: Wow, I'm (pleasantly) surprised you guys didn't hate the last part. I was expecting some unpleasantness, but was very, very happy with the positive reaction that it got. I'm really glad you all liked Nina. I feel bad for these characters, especially Mac, since they never had any lives outside of JAG, so I enjoy giving them friends. Anyways. Hope you guys enjoy this one!

**Four**

Sturgis tapped gently on the door to Mac's office and offered her a smile when she looked up. "Are you busy?"

"Yeah, I am actually."

The smile faded and concern filled his eyes. After working here at JAG for a little over a year, he had learned several things about his Marine colleague. The first of which was that she was only too busy when something was bothering her. And more often than not, Harm was the thing that bothered her. He went inside and closed the door behind him. Ignoring her look of exasperation, he sat down in the chair in front of her desk and studied her. "Come on, Mac. Tell me what's wrong?"

"It's personal, Sturgis."

"I figured. But you and I are friends, and I'm guessing this has to do with Harm. And since you've already confessed one secret about Harm to me, I'm a good person for you to talk to about this. Now, is this about the baby deal?"

Her eyebrows shot up and her mouth dropped. "How did you find out about that?"

"Harm told me. The night before his birthday we went out and he told me about how he was feeling and told me about the deal the two of you made. So I'm guessing it has to do with that?"

"Yeah, you could say that." She looked at the papers in front of her and then back up at her friend. "Sturgis, I don't mean for this to come as rude as it's probably going to, but you're his friend. I can't talk to you about this."

He shook his head. "That's not fair, Mac. Yes, I was his friend first, but you're my friend too. I think very highly of you and I respect you a great deal. If you want to talk, I'm here to listen."

Mac softened and smiled. "Thank you, I appreciate it. But I will be fine."

"He's an idiot for turning you down." He stood to leave, to give her some space when her soft voice stopped him.

"I turned him down."

He spun around and did not even try to hide his surprise. "What? Mac, I thought that was what you wanted."

"It is what I want. Only I wanted more than he was offering. He was offering to give me a baby; but he couldn't give me himself. Which is what I really want."

"Oh Mac. I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "I'm used to this by now. He makes it obvious that he feels more for me than simply friendship, but he's too scared of losing what we have now to take it to the next level. And regardless of how much I want to have a child, especially how much I want to have a child with him, I'm not throwing away my career for someone who is too afraid to actually be with me."

Sturgis smiled and nodded. "You deserve someone who can give you the whole package."

* * *

Harm couldn't focus. He couldn't focus on the file he had before him now, and he wasn't able to focus on the meeting he had with a client earlier that morning. All he could focus on was the woman he cared about more than anyone else in the world and the look on her face last night when he more or less crushed both of their dreams. He dropped his head to his hands in frustration and only looked up when his email icon alerted him with a 'ding' that he had a new message. He rubbed the heel of his hand over his eyes and clicked his mouse over the icon twice.

_Rabb-_

_You're a complete idiot. Lunch today. Don't even try getting out of it._

_Sturgis._

He groaned and raked a hand through his hair. He didn't understand the preoccupation Sturgis had with his personal life, or the almost protective nature of his relationship with Mac. It all began during that case they had worked on together and what had been a seemingly uncomfortable working relationship had blossomed into an interesting friendship. And he was not in the mood to discuss his relationship with Mac, yet again, with Sturgis. He typed out a quick reply, before closing the window and turning the volume down.

_It's none of your business. Mac and I can handle our problems on our own. Besides, I've already got lunch plans._

_H_

He sat at his desk for a few more minutes, before deciding he couldn't deal with this anxiety he was feeling over his relationship with Mac. He needed some space to clear his head, and that meant getting out of his cluttered office. Walking quickly to the Admirals office, he waited for Tiner to verify that it was okay for him to go in, and then did. He shut the door and took a seat.

"Everything okay, Harm?"

He shook his head and fiddled with his academy ring. "Sir, is there any way I can take a couple of days of leave?"

AJ's studied him for a moment, before glancing down at his calendar. "You have the case about the girl who ran down her former boyfriend, don't you?"

"Yes sir."

"What will you do with that?"

"I had a meeting with Ensign Allison this morning. She's going to take the deal Bud offered. Other than that I have no pressing business."

"Fine. Get that finalized and then take a few days. However, I'll need you back here by Thursday."

"Yes sir."

* * *

Harm was heading back to his office, when he felt a hand grasp his arm and tug him into his office. "Sturgis, I don't have time to deal with this right now."

"You're going to make time. Harm, what is your problem? You've told me several times the past few days that you're going to stop hiding from what you feel for her."

"She knows how I feel about her." Harm looked towards his office and then back at Sturgis. "This is really none of your business, and this isn't an appropriate time or place to have this discussion. I'm taking a couple of days and I'll see you when you get back."

"Are you going to tell Mac that you're leaving?"

Harm continued off without a word. He went to his office and gathered a couple of things that he may need for the next two days and then glanced over at Mac. She looked tired, but so beautiful he felt his heart constrict. With a sigh, he left his office again and knocked on her door. She looked up, and her eyes hardened as they met his. "Can I come in?" She shrugged and looked back at her computer screen. "You're my best friend, Mac. You can't ignore me forever."

"I can try." She finally looked at him again and gave him a forced smile. "I know I can't. But you have no clue how hard this is for me, Harm. You know how I feel about you and what I want. And I know how you feel about me. I just don't understand why you can't throw caution to the wind and let us finally have a shot. We've been dancing around one another for years and it's gotten to the point of absurdity."

"I don't want to lose you, Mac."

She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, and this isn't losing me? Right now we can barely manage to be in the same room together. It is going to be really difficult to be just your friend when I know we both want something more. I don't know if I can do that. This isn't going to be like it was after Australia. I'm not going to just brush this off and pretend I'm not hurt over this." She was tiring of discussing her relationship with Harm and shook her head. "I'm not discussing this anymore. Period. If you change your mind, you know where to find me. If you insist on not wanting more than friendship with me, well… I'll just need some time."

"I understand." He hated the tension currently between them. It wasn't their usual flirtatious sexual tension. This tension was uncomfortable and oppressive. "I just wanted to let you know I'm taking a couple of days off."

"Are you going out of town?"

Harm shook his head. "No, I'm staying around here. But right now you and I are tense, Sturgis is barely speaking to me, and I just need a break. It's been a while since I had a few days to myself, and with the frame of mind I've been in lately I just think it would help. The Admiral needs me back by Thursday, so I guess I'll see you then."

"Getting away is always helpful. And yeah, I'll see you then." She looked back at her computer and pressed a few keys, subtly signaling that their conversation was over.

He gave her one last look and with a soft sigh he left her office, closing the door behind him.

* * *

He finalized his agreement with Bud and arrived back at his apartment shortly after. He looked around the empty rooms and shook his head. He couldn't believe he was forty and was coming home to an empty apartment. The only woman in his life was currently ticked off at him and the only children in his life belonged to his close friends. He walked over to his bookcase and picked up the framed photo of him and his father. He stared at the picture for a minute before placing it back on the shelf. He made his was to his bedroom and began taking off his uniform. He caught his appearance in the mirror as he undid buttons and felt disgusted with himself. He had two distinguished flying crosses, he played tag with a missile and was able to safely lead it away from the Seahawk, and yet he was too chicken to take the next step with Mac.

Part of him knew that his fear of losing her was ridiculous. She had gone farther with him than anyone he had ever known. She followed him to Russia twice, for crying out loud. She constantly put him at a place of primary importance in her life. If there was anyone in his life he could truly count on, it was her. But even though he knew that all of her relationship problems were not her fault, her past scared him. Her relationships were about as stable and long lasting as his were, and their combined inability to make it work was unsettling.

'_That's because you're trying to make relationships work with the wrong people._'

Harm studied himself in the mirror, uncomfortable with what he was seeing. Externally, he appeared to be everything a proper military officer was supposed to be. But internally, he felt like a failure, and that had to change. He had to find a way to move past his fear and give himself and Mac a real chance at a future together. And he had to do it quickly before Mac met someone else and everything they had the potential to have was lost forever.

**End Part Five**

I know this is shorter than usual, but I like to wrap things up neatly. If I were to make it any longer, this part would have been ridiculously long, so I decided to end it here. As always feedback is very much appreciated.


	6. Six

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: Sorry this took so long, guys! It's been a CRAZY week! First, I found out I got into grad school :-) Yay! And we have inventory at work next week (ugh) so my hours have been all over the place. Anyways. That's that. In response to a few of the comments about Sturgis being a matchmaker… I don't really intend to use him as a match maker, but I do think he has a tendency to meddle, so that's what he was doing. I think there are several things that have become canon amongst fic writers (i.e. Mac transferring to the judiciary when her and Harm finally get it together) and I think Sturgis being meddlesome is one of those things. Hope you guys enjoy this, and as always, I'd love to know your thoughts!

**Six**

He spotted her the second he walked into the bullpen. She was making a copy and glaring at the ancient, irritable copier. He grinned and strode over to her. "We need to talk."

Mac looked up at the sound of the familiar voice and sighed softly. The past few days without Harm in the office, things had felt off. While it was nice not having to see him and be constantly reminded that things were never going to work out between them how she wished, she also missed seeing him. "Hello, Harm. How were your days off?"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "No, Mac. We need to really talk."

"This is not an appropriate place to have a personal conversation. We've brought out personal issues into the office too many times and that needs to stop."

"Mac-"

"No, Harm." She backed away from him a bit and met his frustrated gaze. "There is a time and a place for us to continue this game of verbal tennis, but this isn't it." She turned and disappeared into her office. She shut the door behind her and he watched as she shut the blinds.

He glanced around the bullpen to see if anyone noticed what had transpired between them, before stalking off to his own office. He shut the door with a little more strength than necessary. He had done a lot of thinking over the past few days. Thinking had really been all he had done, actually. He didn't realize how dreadfully dull having two and a half days off in the middle of the week would be. But all the thinking he did brought him to one incredibly important revelation: he had to stop being such a coward and take action on the powerful feelings he had for his best friend.

He stared at the closed blinds that shielded her from him and took a deep breath. He turned on his computer and opened his email account. He had just typed her name in the recipient box when Tiner knocked lightly on his door.

"The Admiral would like to see you, sir."

Harm stifled a groan before standing and heading to his CO's office. Tiner opened the door, and Harm walked in.

"Welcome back, Commander. Please shut the door." Harm did as he was told and went further inside and sat in his usual chair. "This is uncomfortable for me. I don't like to deal with gossip, but I've heard some unsettling rumors the past couple of days about why you needed some time off."

"Sir, any rumors you may have heard have probably been exaggerated. I'm still having some issues with turning forty and the current state of my life. I needed to think some things through and make some important decisions, which I have."

"So you and the Colonel are not eloping because she is pregnant with your child?"

Harm's eyes widened and he was completely still for a moment, before he managed to shake his head. "No sir. In fact, that could not be further from the truth. Mac- excuse me, Colonel MacKenzie, is barely speaking to me at the moment."

AJ shook his head. "If I had any hair left, you two would have cost me it. Fix whatever is wrong there, Harm. I'm obviously not ordering you to do so, because now that I know that I don't have to charge you with anything it's none of my concern. But do it for yourself and for her."

"I'm going to."

"Good." He let his glasses slide down his nose and bit and picked up a copy of the morning paper. "Dismissed."

* * *

He was going to kill Singer. She was the only one malicious enough to spread gossip about him and his partner. As nosy as Sturgis was, he would never do or say anything that could cause harm to their careers. He shook his head and vowed to deal with her later. He looked at Mac's office and found her blinds still tightly closed, so he looked back at the screen of his computer. Her name was still in the recipient box of the empty email. He began to type a message, his eyes darting to her window ever so often.

_Mac-_

_We really need to talk. I've done a lot of thinking these past few days  
__and we need to deal with our relationship once and for all. Do you want  
__to have dinner tonight? Or lunch today? I don't care which, I just need  
__to see you._

_H. _

His mouse hovered over the send button for a moment before he clicked it. He leaned back in his chair and thought about the past couple of days. It had been a shock to him at how empty he felt. When they were in Australia and he pushed her away then, he knew she had been hurt but other than her immediate reaction, and then her taking Brumby's ring, there had been very little difference in their interaction. She wasn't cold or distant, hell, she even followed him across Russia in a taxi. He knew this time it would be different. There was a strain there, which had never been there before. She didn't even have to tell him that she wasn't going to just brush the hurt off this time for him to know things were different. They were both different people now. They were older and this time had actually acknowledged more than once that their feelings for one another had gone so much further than platonic. Following Mic and Renee, they had come close but she had been hurt badly by Mic leaving and then him needing to be with Renee after her father had died. This was finally their time. Their former significant others were long gone, the depth of their feelings was out there and all that was holding them back was his fear. Well, that and their careers. But logically he knew they were both excellent officers and something would work out for them. His computer dinged, signaling him of an email and he quickly opened the message from Mac.

_Harm-_

_Dinner tonight. 7:00 at that diner we like over by Tyson's Corner._

_Mac_

He exhaled a sigh of relief. The message was short, but she agreed to meet with him. He would fix things between them. There was no other option than to make things right between them.

* * *

The rest of the day went by slowly for Harm. He was the type of person who let something possess him completely, and right now Mac was all he could think about. He thought about her during a meeting with a client, while he prepared opening remarks for a new case and his constant thoughts of her resulted in him almost knocking over more than one junior officer.

"Is it safe for me to come in here? Or are you only attempting to take out junior officers?"

Harm looked up at the grin on Sturgis' face and scowled. "You're technically junior to me. I was became Commander about a month before you did."

"I'll watch my back then." He stood awkwardly in the doorway for a moment before Harm waved him in. Filled with relief, he came into the office and stood by the bookcase. "I wanted to apologize for the other day. Your relationship with Mac is none of my business and I-"

"Why are you so protective of her?" Harm asked suddenly. "At one point you could barely keep yourself from throttling her, and now it's… I'm not sure what it is, but it's unsettling."

Sturgis shrugged, uncomfortable with the conversation. "She's an incredible person, Harm. And she told me something once in confidence that I haven't been able to forget about. I want to see her happy, and of course I want to see you finally happy."

"I decided that I had to get over my fear. I don't have a choice. But while the idea of being more than her friend is exhilarating, it's also terrifying. As friends, I know she'll always be a part of my life. If we become more than friends, what happens if it doesn't work out. I'll lose the one person in my life that means everything to me." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "This is something that could be amazing; but it's also something that if it goes wrong, it's going to go horribly wrong." Overcome with nerves, Harm stood and began pacing in his small office. "We're godparents of Bud & Harriet's son. We work together. We share all of the same friends. I'm terrified that if it doesn't work out, not only will I lose her, but our friends will get pulled into it and half will side with her and half will side with me, so I'll lose half of my friends as well."

Sturgis shook his head and grinned. "Nah, that won't happen. I'm guessing more like 75% would side with her. You'd get Bud, probably. Maybe me. Singer, definitely."

"You're. Not. Helping." Harm all but growled at Sturgis. He could just picture them drawing a line through the middle of the bullpen. He and Mac facing one another, with just Sturgis, Bud & Singer behind him, while everyone else, most notably the Admiral gathered behind Mac.

He laughed and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "You're a worrier, Harm. But don't worry so much over this. Just let things happen. Tell her how you feel and see what happens next. Don't start divvying up all of us here at JAG just yet."

"It's more than just potential complications with other friendships. What about our careers? Both of us can't stay here if we decide to get married. We both love our careers, and have worked so hard to get where we are. I don't see either of us willingly sacrificing our military futures."

"That shouldn't even be an issue." Sturgis argued. "You and Mac are pretty powerful in this world. You both have a lot of important friends and allies. They'd all support you and figure out a way for you to be together and maintain your career track. Listen, Harm. Stop coming up with excuses not to pursue this. There will always be something. Instead think of what you'll miss out on if you continue to be a coward." He walked to the door and left the office, leaving Harm to mull over what he had said. He just hoped he actually listened and wasn't going to chicken out this time.

* * *

Mac arrived at the diner a few minutes before 7:00 and was surprised to see Harm was already there. He was sitting in a booth near the back and looked so good in the bright blue polo shirt he was wearing she nearly turned into a puddle on the red and white tile floor. She rubbed her palms over her jeans and walked over the table. He beamed and stood when he saw her, and she couldn't help but smile herself. One part of her brain was telling her to protect her heart and to turn back around and leave. However, the bigger part made her walk over to the table and slide onto the vinyl covered bench across from him.

"Hey."

"Hi."

He sat back down and handed her a menu before fiddling with the straw in his cup. "I got here a little early." He said, gesturing to the chocolate shake in front of him. "I figured it would be fitting for me to get stuck behind an overturned cement truck or something and you get here and wait and think that I wasn't going to show up."

"In that overly dramatic little scenario is your cell phone ruined by the cement?" She asked, not able to help the smile that appears.

He grins and pushes the shake towards her. "Of course. I'm driving with the windows down and some splatters inside and of course covers the phone."

"Well, it's a good thing you left your apartment early then." The waitress appeared and took both of their orders and then disappeared again. Mac shrugged out of her coat and laid it next to her on the seat. Part of her apprehension about meeting with him had gone away with his jokes and the ridiculous scenario he had envisioned. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"You look beautiful."

She looked down at the simple chocolate cashmere turtleneck she wore and blushed. "It's not the green dress…"

He smiled at the recollection of how breathtaking she looked that evening. "Doesn't matter. You're gorgeous no matter what. The dress was just a little something extra."

"Thanks." She looked up and saw the waitress approaching with her soda and Harm's unsweetened iced tea and smiled her thanks. She spent a moment taking off the straw wrapper before looking back up at him. "Well?"

Harm took a deep breath and forced himself to look at her and not his hands. "Mac, I'm not good at this. You know that. I'm not good at expressing my feelings at all. So please be patient with me while I do this." He waited for some kind of acknowledgement from her and continued when she nodded. "I've never had a problem taking any kind of risk. With my career, I've taken risks because I know I have other options. I mean, at any time, if I wanted to, I could probably go back to flying. If I decided I hated the military all of a sudden, I could be successful as a civilian attorney. I could fly for a commercial airline. The point is, I have options. I have no other options when it comes to you. If I were ever to lose you, then that would be it. And even the idea of maybe one day not having you in my life scares me to death."

"Harm-"

He held up a hand. "Please. If I stop I'll never finish." She nodded and he continued. "Mac, I worry about what happens if we don't work out. We work together, we have the same friends. We share godparent responsibilities. I worry about our careers and where the military might take us. There is so much on the line here. And while I have no problem throwing caution to the wind professionally, personally it's terrifying."

"I know it is, Harm. It scares me too. What I feel for you scares me."

"Mac, what I feel for you is so incredibly powerful. I can try and deny it, and keep playing it safe, but I'm not going to be any happier that way. I'll end up miserable, actually, because sooner or later someone who really is worthy of you will come your way and I'll lose you for good." He gave her a small smile and reached his hand across the table and rubbed his fingers over her soft skin. "I thought about all of this a lot the past few days and I finally came to an important realization."

She couldn't believe he stopped there. "Yes? And?"

"If I run the risk of losing you someday no matter what I do, I at least want to be able to say that I gave it a shot and I was brave enough to tell the woman I've been in love with for longer than I care to admit exactly how much I love her."

**End Part Six**

:) This is almost done! Only one more part after this! (Well, two if you count the epilogue.) Of course I'm dying to know your thoughts!


	7. Seven

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: First of all: Thank you so much to two of the readers of this who have helped me so much with some of the military aspects of this story. I'm not sure how much of their help I'm going to use, but they have been invaluable for future stories. Second of all: this is it! This is the last part (with the exception of the epilogue, which I'll probably post this weekend. I've loved writing this and I hope you've all enjoyed this.

This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the story, but I just found out that FOX is screwing with the **Bones** season finale because of American freakin' Idol and I'm LIVID. I know a good bit of people who read this watch Bones, so if you would please please please email Fox and tell them what douchebags they are for potentially taking something so important away from the fans, I'd appreciate it.

(I've linked the drama to my LJ: _cinderellahn(dot) livejournal (dot) com_)

**From Part Six…**

"_Mac, what I feel for you is so incredibly powerful. I can try and deny it, and keep playing it safe, but I'm not going to be any happier that way. I'll end up miserable, actually, because sooner or later someone who really is worthy of you will come your way and I'll lose you for good." He gave her a small smile and reached his hand across the table and rubbed his fingers over her soft skin. "I thought about all of this a lot the past few days and I finally came to an important realization."_

_She couldn't believe he stopped there. "Yes? And?"_

"_If I run the risk of losing you someday no matter what I do, I at least want to be able to say that I gave it a shot and I was brave enough to tell the woman I've been in love with for longer than I care to admit exactly how much I love her."_

**Seven**

The silence between them was heavy and oppressive. Harm was scared witless about the repercussions that would come from his heartfelt declaration and Mac couldn't believe that after so many years of waiting for him to say anything close to what he just said that he finally did.

"Please say something, Mac. Anything."

She was silent for a moment longer before saying or doing anything. "It feels like I've been waiting my whole life for you to say that to me."

He raised his eyebrows slightly. "I'm happy to hear that." He waited impatiently for her to say something else. He finally cleared his throat. "Mac, I'm dying here. "

"What is there to say? You know how I feel about you. I told you how I felt about you in so many words a very long time ago."

"I don't want to hear 'in so many words' I want to hear point blank how you feel about me. About us."

Her smile couldn't have been brighter. She reached over and ran a hand over his and stroked his wrist. "I love you, Harm. I always have."

He beamed and turned his hand over to link fingers with her. "What do you want? I mean, what do you want for us?"

"I want you, Harm. I want a marriage with you. I want children with you. You should know that though. I mean, our deal to have a baby together is one of the reasons you've been behaving so strangely for the past week or so."

He rolled his eyes and tried to hide his annoyance at his own actions over the last week. He had behaved like a child with his birthday looming over him and wanted to forget all about the pouting and sulking he had done. "This will change so much. We'll have to do something about our careers. Our careers have always been an obstacle to us being together. What are we going to do?" She bit her lower lip and pulled her hand from his, and tapped her fingers against the tabletop. "What is it?"

"I've given that a lot of thought about that actually. I've been thinking about it since I returned from the Guadalcanal. I was optimistic that things between us would move in a positive direction afterwards, so I put in some calls and checked out some options for either of us in case things happened."

"How are we going to decide which one of us is leaving?"

She shrugged. "We really don't have to worry about that yet."

The smile slipped from his face and he studied her. "You mean in case we don't work out, right."

"Harm-" She grabbed his hand again and clutched it. "I didn't say that. I'm not good at the whole relationship thing, and neither are you. We're both scared of the same things; both scared of losing yet another person that we love. Not to mention that I like working with you. I like being your partner. So why change that until our legal status forces us to?"

"You're right."

"I know. It happens a lot." Mac laughed as he tossed a straw wrapper at her.

* * *

The rest of their dinner was very enjoyable. The tension had eased as their conversation turned lighthearted, but as Harm followed her back to her apartment and pulled into the lot he felt ill at ease again. He parked his car and joined her by the doorway to her apartment building.

"Ready?"

He nodded and took her hand and joined her inside. The elevator ride up was quiet, only the soft sounds of breathing and the tap of her heel against the tile floor. The car stopped at her floor and when the doors opened they both quietly stepped out. When they stopped at the door, he looked at their twined fingers and then back at her. He raised his hand and brushed his fingers over her cheekbone. "We can say goodnight right here of you're not sure."

Mac shook her head. "I've never been more sure of anything. Come on in." She unlocked the door and led him inside. They shrugged out of their coats and she dropped her bag on the end table.

They looked at each other for a moment before he chuckled and moved his hands to his arms. He marveled at how soft her sweater was and absently wondered if her skin would be as soft. "This is kind of ridiculous. I feel like I'm 16 and I'm alone with Anna McCord for the first time in her parents beach house."

She rolled her eyes and stepped closer to him. He dropped his hands and encircled her waist. She placed a hand on his chest and let her fingers dance across the firm muscles of his chest. "And what exactly did you do with Anna McCord in that beach house?"

He blushed and gave her a sheepish grin. "I'll plead the fifth on that, counselor."

"Did she teach you anything… useful?" She was tired of the awkwardness of the situation. She was finally getting her chance to be with the man she had been in love with for a very long time, and she didn't want to waste anymore of their time. She pulled herself up on her toes and placed her lips against his neck. She sucked gently and smiled to herself when she heard a moan escape him.

"I'm sure you'll… ah… be a much better teacher than a girl I knew when I was 16."

Mac moved her hands to the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. She eyed him hungrily and then ran her fingers through his dark hair, pulling his face down to meet hers. Their lips touched, and for the first time they kissed purposely and with no misunderstandings. She gave him a gentle shove and he began to walk backwards to the bedroom, never breaking the kiss. They had almost made it until he stumbled into a floor lamp she had recently purchased. They broke apart and assessed the roadblock they had met and then looked back at each other.

Harm studied her and felt as if he had never been more aroused. Her face was flushed a very feminine pink, her lips were full and red, and her dark eyes were nearly black with desire.

She gave him a not quite gentle shove and pushed him against the wall.

He put his hands on her hips and stopped her from resuming their activities. "Mac, I've fantasized about being with you in so many places. Against walls, on tables, in cars, you name it. But the first time you deserve a bed. And I'm an old man. I think I might need one."

Mac smiled at him and placed a soft kiss on his chest. "There is nothing old about you, Harm." She backed away from him and extended her hand. "Come on."

He would willingly follow her anywhere, and was only too happy to take her hand and follow her into her bedroom. They went into her bedroom, where out of habit Mac pushed the door closed behind them. She looked up at him, nervous again all of a sudden. He realized that he needed to step up and make the next move, since she was the one who initiated things in the living room. He moved his hands up under her sweater and sighed softly as he touched the softest skin imaginable. He dropped to his knees and pushed the sweater up just a bit. He placed gentle kisses on her firm stomach and began to undo the button closure on her jeans. He looked and his eyes met hers, and was almost floored by the love shown in them. His eyes not leaving hers, he gave the denim a slight tug to move them past her hips and slid them the rest of the way down. She stepped away from him briefly to move from the material and backed herself towards the bed. He followed her and joined her on the edge. She turned so that she was facing him and placed her much smaller hand on his jeans. "There is no going back, Harm. Once we cross this line I won't be able to go back."

The positive emotion he had previously seen in her eyes had disappeared, making way for insecurity. He placed his palm on her cheek and leaned in for a tender kiss. "I'm sure, Mac. I know you're scared, I am too. But I also know I've never felt like this about anyone before." She smiled and gave him a slight nod. He leaned in for another kiss and gently pushed her back on to the bed.

* * *

"Mac." Her only response was to burrow herself even further into the side of his chest. "Mac." He still got no response and sighed. He lowered his hand from her stomach to her hip and began tracing patterns onto the smooth flesh with his fingers. "Sarah."

She groaned and raised only her eyes to meet his. "Hmm?" She closed her eyes again and enjoyed the feel of his hands on her.

"We didn't use any- anything."

This time she lifted her head and studied him for a moment before returning to her previous position and closing her eyes again. "It's fine, Harm. I've been on the pill for a very long time."

"Are you going to stop taking it?"

She shook her head the best she could from the position she was in. "No, not till we're ready. Being an unwed mother would put a slight damper on my career aspirations. Which isn't fair, but it's reality."

He slid his hand up her back to play in her hair. "How long do you want to wait before we take the next step?"

"You mean marriage?" She watched him nod and sighed. "I don't know. We can just play things by ear. Propose whenever you're ready."

"What if you're not ready?"

Mac shook her head and gave him a sleepy smile. "Harm, you could ask me tomorrow and I'd say yes. Ask me in a year and I'll say yes. Ask me whenever you're ready. You know what my answer will be."

They were silent for a moment; the only sound in the room being their gentle breathing. Harm looked down at her and was filled with an indescribable warmth. His feelings for her were on the verge of being overwhelming. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and he wanted the rest of their lives to start as soon as possible. "Mac."

She groaned slightly and forced her eyes open. "Yes?"

"What if I asked you to marry me today? Would you say yes?"

Her eyes popped open and she sat up. The sheet dropped and she grabbed it and clutched it to her chest. "Are you- are you asking?"

"I asked you a question first."

"I'd say yes."

He sat up and smiled at her. "I don't have a ring yet, so if you want me to wait till tomorrow when I can get a ring to ask you, I will."

She shook her head. "I don't need a ring."

Harm took a deep breath and took her hands in his. This forced the sheet to drop, which caused him to grin. She blushed and forced herself to keep her eyes on him and not think about the fact that the man she loved was proposing to her while she sat there topless.

"I love you so much, Mac. I always will. And while this may be fast for most people, it feels right for us. And we can have as long or as short of an engagement as you want, all that matters to me is that I'll have you by my side for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?"

Her eyes were wide and all she could manage was a slight nod. Finally she threw her arms around him, tackling him and bringing them both back down to the bed. "Yes, yes, yes. Of course, yes."

The kiss she gave him left him slightly breathless, and when they parted, he gave her the most devastatingly brilliant smile. "I think everyone was right," he said, "forty seems like it's going to be the best year yet."

**End Part Seven**

Well. All that's left is the epilogue. It should be up sometime this weekend. As always, feedback is very much appreciated :)


	8. Epilogue

**Title**: Not the Life he Imagined

**Author**: Tsarina Smith

**Rating**: PG-13/R-ish

**Disclaimer**: JAG isn't mine. If it were mine I would have been much, MUCH nicer to the characters.

**Spoilers**: The whole series is fair game, but "Yeah, Baby" and "Standards of Conduct" especially.

**Summary**: Harm turns 40 and wonders how his life turned out so differently than what he wanted.

**Authors Notes**: And it's done!!! Thanks so much everyone for all of your feedback. I appreciate it so much. I hope you all have enjoyed this. Oh, and a few of you have PM-ed me recently wanting the more mature version of "L is for Laser Tag" from 26 Weekends… I'd love to send it out, but my computer crashed a few weeks ago and I lost my files. I thought I had found it, but it was just the original/posted version. I have it saved on a flash drive SOMEWHERE and I'm still looking for it, so I'll send it as soon as I can find it.

**Epilogue**

_May 18, 2004_

Whatever Sturgis was saying to him went in one ear and out the other. At the current moment, he couldn't tear his eyes away from his wife. She was standing next to Harriet and laughing at something Mikey Roberts was saying. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something about her was different. He continued watching her until Sturgis realized he was being ignored and gave him a shove.

"Harm, you haven't listened to a word I said."

He flashed his friend an apologetic smile. "Sorry."

Sturgis followed Harm's gaze and smiled softly. "Understandable. How does she like her new job?"

"She loves it." He bent over and pulled a soda out of the ice bucket on the picnic table and popped it open. "She misses everyone at JAG, but she always has enjoyed a challenge."

After Harm had proposed, they hadn't waited for long before getting married. Four months after becoming engaged, the two of them had hopped a plane to La Jolla where they were married in a private ceremony at his parents' home. Only Frank, Trish and Sarah Rabb had been in attendance and it was everything that either of them wanted. Both felt they were too old for a big, elaborate ceremony. They wanted something simple and intimate. Once they had returned home from a two week cruise through Alaska for their honeymoon, they had to face the problems that had arisen from their changed legal status. Before the wedding, they had started looking for a position, preferably in the DC area, for one of them. Mac was the one who ended up leaving. She took a position as a Judge Advocate in the Marine Corps Judge Advocate Division at USMC headquarters and loved her work. And after selling his apartment, they used their savings to buy a house. The house they bought was modern and spacious, and in Washington. The cost was extravagant, like most of the nicer homes in DC were, but both had substantial savings and wanted something big for the family they hoped to start one day.

Sturgis noticed his friend was staring off into space again and grinned. He gave him a shrug and tilted his head towards Mac. "Harm, go talk to your wife. You're not doing me any good right now."

"I'm still technically a newlywed. It's allowed." He noticed Bobbie approaching them and grinned at Sturgis. "One of these days you'll understand." He clapped his friend on the shoulder and greeted Bobbie before making his way over to Mac.

* * *

"It's funny how life can change, isn't it?"

After AJ's birthday party they had returned to their much too quiet home and were relaxing on the couch. The television was on in the background, but neither was really watching. Both were lost in the significance of what the today was.

Harm had been massaging her calves and he paused at her words and looked up at her. "It is. Our lives are both completely different from how they were this time last year." His hands continued their ministrations and he looked back down at his lap.

She shifted on the couch, pulling her legs underneath her. "Good different?"

He rolled his eyes and grabbed her wrist with his hand. He gave her a gentle tug and she was falling into him. He tipped her chin up and brushed his lips across hers. "Very, very good."

"Good." She kissed him and then leaned back into the cushions.

He studied her, knowing there was more she wanted to say. "Mac, what's on your mind?"

She shrugged and was silent for a minute before answering. "I realized a few days ago that we've never really talked about what kind of family we'd like to have."

"What! Yes we have."

"No," she said with a shake of her head, "we haven't. We've said that we both want children, and we bought a house big enough for when we do have children, but that's it. I don't know how many you want. I don't know if you'd want to name our son Harmon Rabb III. I don't know if you're in favor of private school or public school. While they're young and we work do we hire a nanny or out them in a daycare program? Don't you think those are things we need to talk about?"

He reached for her again, and pulled her back to him. "I want whatever you want."

She shook her head. "That doesn't work for me, Harm. Around your birthday you mentioned several times that you thought you would already be a father. So you've obviously thought about it. So what do you want?"

He ran a hand over her arm and glanced at the framed photo of him and his parents at his grandmother's farm when he was a baby. "No on the Harmon Rabb III thing. Maybe Harmon as the middle name, but I want my children to have their own identities. I don't want such a huge part of who they are, their names, tied up with ghosts from our past."

"What names do you like?"

Harm shrugged. "I guess I haven't really thought about that. I figure we'll come to an agreement about a name when there is a little person for us to name. Have you thought of names you'd like our kids to have?"

She nodded and smiled. "Emma for a girl. William for a boy, only we'd call him Liam instead of Will or Bill. How many?"

"At least two. But preferably no more than three. And I like both of those names. Emma MacKenzie. Instead of a middle name, she'll have your maiden name."

"I like that. Schooling?"

He sighed. "I honestly prefer private. That may sound elitist of me, but it's how I was raised and it's what I'm familiar with. You?"

"I went to public, but I don't have a bias. We live in a city full of great schools, both private and public. As long as they get an excellent education, I don't care. Daycare or nanny?"

"Daycare. As long as we feel we can trust the people taking care of our kids, I think it's good for them. It'll be good for them to be around other kids from early on."

She took a deep breath and twisted her rings around her finger. "And how soon do you want to start a family? We've only been married for a little over two months. When should we-"

He pulled her even closer and cut her off with a kiss. "As soon as you want, Sarah."

"Ok. Do you think you'll be ready to be a father in seven months and two weeks?"

His eyes widened and he studied her. "You- I mean, you're…"

She nodded. "I found out last week. I thought today would be a good day to tell you." He was still staring at her as if he was in shock. She pulled back slightly and nibbled on her lower lip. "Harm, are you happy about this?"

He cupped her face in his palms and gave her a kiss. "I'm beyond happy, Mac." He kept one hand on her face and moved the other to rest on her still flat stomach. "This is everything I've ever wanted."

**The End!**

I'm kinda sad it's done! Simply because I'm itching to write something else, but have no clue what to write. Hopefully something will strike me and this won't be the last you hear from me. I hope you all enjoyed this, and as always I'd love to hear your thoughts.


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